DrOwSiNgS.

my plight abbreviated

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 23:23:40 GMT

His Dad is dying. Went from mystery pneumonia to oh he's final stage cancer off you go into pain management..

He's looking to me for comfort, and I'm not sure how much I can provide. I hate his family. I've never met them. Just two me tIe five sisters. I don't want to meet them. Fuck ALL of them. Where were view when he needed them this summer?? When he was faced with losing his son to her, and view all know how dangerous she is..
Who showed up at the hearings? Joann did. To sit with Satan.

I dread having to be in the same room w those people. I don't care that they're dying or hurting. Fuck all of them. Even the one that appears to be on our side. Treacherous cunts. All me them. Couldn't be bothered when I'd reached out. I feel nothing but contempt. All view offered us was abandonment and criticism.

But somehow I need to mask this. For him.

Whether I marry him or not. Those creatures are not my family.

Up up up up up up

Thu, 28 May 2009 01:31:17 GMT

I tried a thousand ways to figure out why I feel the way I feel. I tried a thousand more to try and talk myself out of the conclusion I kept coming to. But after all this time, I feel what I feel and the conclusion is the same. And I realized it when I realized not just that I can still have all the things I want *despite* that conclusion, but the conclusion has become a *part* of all the things I want.

So I thought about what he said, and I played it in my mind over and over again. I listened to it play in my head at night as I'd fall asleep. I dwelled on it in class, I talked to Mom. I even talked to Dad.

I want to be his wife.

We chose our rings.. nothing expensive, but so special. We have given the little one the final say, and he is still thinking about it. But we wear the rings, and they feel like a hug every time I glance down at our hands. He's wonderful and this custody crisis has brought us even closer together than ever before, and I was surprised that was possible.

I'm so happy. Amidst all this fucking misery and this bloodbath of a custody battle. I am so fucking happy. And I'm excited.

If baby gives us his blessing, I want to do it in the summer before law school. My bachelor's is about 18 months away. I'm taking that subsequent summer off so I can prepare for my studies, and that is when I'd like to do everything. He's gung ho behind me on however I want to arrange things. If we can sever her legal and physical custody (and I'm praying to gods I don't even believe in that we can do it in Round One next month), we can go anywhere we want in the world without that trash can psychopath cocking up my family ever again. Because that's what they are now. They are my family. She wasn't woman enough to have them, so here I am. And I am light years more the woman for this job. I'll happily take what she pissed all over and tried to break. :-)

Wish us luck. Hearing is June 16th...

I love getting rickroll'd

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 02:21:14 GMT

SO! Straight A+s, accelerated courses, my Associate's in Applied Science of Legal Studies in December, graduating with international honors. Right now I think I have a 3.8. (Embarrassing.. it should be a 4.0) I have four classes, M - TH, 6 - 10p. I am doing fantastic. This schedule doesn't change for the rest of the year, except for a couple of breaks. I'm thrilled with how school is going. I'm really good at this stuff. Will start my Bachelor's next year, prolly @ Webster, and hopefully be done wit that one in 18 months. THENNNNNN ... Law School. 3 years there, then I'll have earned my juris doctorate. Then I take the Bar, and POOF! Me an attorney. :-) With luck on my side, before my 34th birthday.

Lol if I could just land a job I love. And find an apartment I love before May 31st. Right around the corner, and time is running short.

Another Fun Fact. :-( I am probably going to need knee surgery in the next few weeks. I've been training for a marathon this year, and I just finally shoved my luck over the cliff. I blew out the cartiliage behind the knee and now I can't take three steps forward, even in a low-impact jog, without feeling tears up and down the back of my kneecap. When I walk, it sounds like Rice Krispies are trapped inside my leg. The pain, while I feel like I have no place to complain in comparison to some friends I have who have had body part replacements from cancer, or friends who are back from Iraq with 2/3ds of the limbs they left home with, the pain is unreal. I am not used to joint pain or discomfort of any kind. A sports injury like this is a first for me. I have been very careful & lucky in the past to escape my rigorous activities unscathed. But I guess it culminated. And I can barely get around on this thing now. Doctor tells me I can't run until I've been 6months pain free... ack. I am trying to stay positive, but am so crestfallen. Running is my love. It's my escape from everything. And I couldn't do it right now to even defy advice. I got 3 steps forward in Tower Grove a few weeks ago, and my knee buckled and sent me sprawling. It was horrible. It has hurt for a while, but not when I'm running, only when I'm stationary.

Going to suck... it's my right leg, so that probably impairs driving for a while. Recovery is prolly 6-8 weeks if i want to be smart about it. I may have to be bedridden & on a machine for weeks, how am i going to handle that? god i'm going to lose my mind. I'm also full-blown moving in 5 weeks, which could double suck bc if i don't have a place to stay by the 31st, I may have to move my stuff and stay with someone till I find something. Howm'I supposed to find a job & an apartment if I can't drive myself and get around? lol lol lol what a wreck. but i need to do it now. i don't know if they're thinking partial or total replacement, but fuck. anything to let me run again. and i need to hurry. in a way, i'm fortunate that i'm not working right now and still have a few months left on COBRA.

We'll see.... I'm not afraid to get cut on. I'm just superscared to be immobile for any amount of time. i'm not good at sitting still. at all. And I'd BETTER not miss a MINUTE of JUNE-AUGUST. I'll get postal QUICK if I can't play bc of this mess.

Unless some ass gets added to this, I may just be going against my hardlined principle and moving in with Ken for a couple months. Lol this summer is going to be interesting. I can't even fathom living with anyone else at this point, and at this stage, I'll be in a sort of step-parent position for the first time ever. (EW EW EW EW EW) but okay. I'll do my best.

I have more to say about that, but out of battery and no outlets in sight.

Manamana.

lol I finally admit... I have Seasonal Affective Disorder

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 19:52:19 GMT

So I'm alright today.. it's some hours later and I've finally had some sleep. Had a dream about him. We walk around a crazy museum and talked for hours. And smiled a lot. That was nice. I woke up when my alarm sounded, and turned it off to go back and be with him a while. We had a lovely visit, and we are both truly happy now. We love each other and in the dream, found a way to balance that without this evil hateful silence rift exclusionary thing he has put in place here in real life. But this dream felt like we both reached beyond the constraints that are inevitable when our eyes are open, and we were just two dear friends. We sat together, the dredges of all the things we've been through just a part of our solidity. It was just there, not looming. The friendship killed all the bad, and we existed and laughed and played catch in the sun. I can't remember most of what we talked about, and I remember still not wanting to see or know her, but I had my rockstar back, and knew I was never going to lose him again. He told me in this dream that he is getting married, and was so glowing and excited about it. And I beamed for him. Truly. No jealousy at all. Was just thrilled he found what he'd been looking for. And he asked questions and listened to how healthy and happy and truly wonderful my life is with mine. It really was joyous. We literally overcame the dark and got to the place where only he and I will ever know. And if I ever have it again, it will always only exist for a few hours at a time before we go our separate ways into our lives again. But in this wonderful dream, I had the sunshine of knowing in my heart that we would always come out and play when the other one came around to knock.

After waking up, I feel good. I'm hateful that I will probably only know that feeling in that dream, but it's still overshadowed by the fact that I got a taste of what it would be like to not miss him every day anymore. Even if I only got to see him once a year till the end of time.

I'll cling to that as best I can when I get to missing him, I guess. If he loved me now, maybe if he ever really loved me, this would not be happening.

But now at least I have that wonderful dream that he did, and that I didn't have to hurt every day anymore when there are no more traces of that wonderful person in my life.

Think I really am closing his chapter now.

Goodbye, my love. Good journey.

I'm so sad today..

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 06:54:41 GMT

Jesus fuckin Christ why can't I cheer up?! Must be this heinous clitteasing weather. Must be the never-ending ineptitude of my politics "teacher" when I am assaulted with her pisspoorly constructed take-home exams. Must be my "B" in Legal Research last semester. I know I'm drowning in an ulcerated stomachache over Gramma having tumors everywhere, but that kind of sad I can't even process right now. Maybe that I'm BORED and am so fucking ready to go back to work? Might just be that I'm only truly happy from June - August every year when I live in this section of the country. I'm prolly worried about moving again in 6 weeks; I get like this every time over a move, and my destination house is nowhere near ready.. Add to that, a late period. And I'm all out of bananas. Will my mom be okay? Is that fucking psychopath trashbag going to gun down my love and his son this week? Or will she just have the courtesy to off herself? (I doubt it... life is never that awesome.) I miss my Dad. One day I will be living in a world where I don't have any more grandparents. GAAAAAG that is miserable. I want chocolate chip ice cream but i can never handle all that sugar.

I don't feel well.

I miss my buddy. He's making me sad right now too.

Just pick a Depeche Mode song

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 08:27:33 GMT

It's warm there. It's one of the coldest houses I've ever subjected myself to, but it's warm there. It took a long long time for me to peel away the past 4 years of distraction, guilt and apprehension, but I can see things for what they've become and I love him and it's okay. I love him. And he loves me too. It hasn't always been this way, but this is how it is now. I think he's Superman. I break into tiny pieces when he's unhappy over something I can't fix. I trust him now. I'm happy here; happier than I've ever been with someone before. And as happy as I have been with a precious few in the past, that is saying a lot.

The kisses are on tap, the minds are open, we barely see one another and yet we manage to be completely inseparable. He has figured out a way to put me to sleep at night when the troubles or rampant thoughts won't let me go. I have learned how to tame his impatience when it gets the best of him. I'm beginning to know his heart, his breathing, his nature. And bit by tiny bit, his busy, brilliant mind. We can't be in a 3foot radius of the other without touching. The kisses go on for days, the conversation for nights. I can't get enough and I don't want to. Even when we're wrapped so tightly together that there isn't breathing room, I want to be closer. It's never enough, but that is remedied by the fact that I can have all I want when it's in front of me.

He brings my mind to life, he soothes the worries, he cries with me when I'm sad. He makes things not hurt and shows me why it's all okay. He loves me. And he told me so. There is no need to repeat the words every day, or even often. But now, we know. The words are out there. By now it has been a couple of months ago, and only that once was it all said. But it's nice to know that things have grown into something even more beautiful than the beginning.

I don't know what will happen, I can't predict the future. He may throw me completely off guard and wind up being the opposite of all the things I think he is. He may hurt me one day. He may disappoint me beyond repair. If/when that happens, I will be quite a mess for a while, but I will still be okay. Doubt there exists a person I couldn't recover from.

But all that being said, the thought of being without him, regardless of circumstance surrounding, makes me very sad.

It took me a while to work through myself. But I did and this is where I am. I really love this man. And I'm happy to be where I am, and I'm happy to be loved again. And loved well. It feels nice.

But now, I'm signing off, it's about 2:30 and just got a text he had a bad dream.

Bye Bye Love

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 08:50:33 GMT

Condusive to the never-changing parameters of our relationship, I have still continued to beg and chase, small capacity though the recent months have been. Vying for attention? I am not good at that anymore. I am severely out of practice in that area these days. Inching towards it again? Heh. No.

If he was looking to get even for the duration of my silence, he succeeded. Hundreds of times in the past few months. He has morphed into everything I ever encouraged out of him. His output is everything I ever saw in him, and prayed to forces I don't even believe in, that it would come out for me.

But no.

And now, he has slipped into his abyss. I don't know if it's a punishment, or just an inevitability with him, but it's no longer something I am equipped to tolerate. In any capacity.

I'm glad he seems happy, but he has forgotten some important ones along the way, and lost us in the process. All we wanted was some attention.

That was usually all I ever wanted from him.

It isn't a finality, but it is a rift that I have sincere doubts he will take the initiative to fix. I truly do not believe he cares. This is not how he behaves when something matters to him.

So he's deleted in the cyber realm. I can't look at those pictures. I can't allow myself the ability to see them. I'm two clicks away from taking him out of the phone, but only bc the numbers are memorized. I just can't bear the name or the image right now. And I've been assaulted with it for months. I'm done.

I am never going to fall out of love, but the wishes have been made clear. I will respect them. But I don't think he realizes the damage left in his wake. I doubt he cares anymore. He does have a very dark ability to separate himself from guilt with clean little slices.

That's okay. I'll be fine regardless. But I am sure going to miss my friend. My papa bear.

But I am completely finished begging him for .... anything. Ever again.

Dare I say.... over it?

show me show me show me how you

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 04:49:30 GMT

I LOVE MY STEVE. But I'm really pulling into myself again. So tired of people home all the time. Knocks on my door.. people coming in when I don't answer. Stupid fucking boyness where I have to repeat myself 22 times, and then AGAIN later on. Just sick of people haunting my hallway. It isn't the noise.. noise is fine with me. It's just the PEOPLE around me all the time. So sick of it. Getting hostile. No one has done anything wrong.. this is just the way I am. I am so sick of roommates. Even when I was married I had to have separate bedrooms just to split the environment for myself. Had roommates steady since '05 and I am just so done. Starting to get aggressive and no one deserves that. I am so far out of water that it's getting dangerous. I want to live alone again so bad I can't see straight. So sick of the messes and the BOYS and the dumbassery.. Just want my cats and a sweet apartment with hardwood floors on a second level. I'm not hard to please. Just want my own hole so bad.

Hate myself for being so bitchy but honestly, truly cannot help it. Even talked to Mom to see if I'm just being unreasonable. She says this is exactly the way I was when I popped out. Just never needed excessive human contact, and get aggravated when I'm presented with more than my limit comfortably allows. At least Mom knows these things about me.

With school and everything I'm just tapped out on all these people around all the time. Never have been good at sharing my space, but I'm seeing the older I get, the more fuckin territorial I get over being left to come out of my cave when I want to, rather than when someone else wants attention. I'm not a hermit; I'm just the kind of person who likes to retire to empty when I'm ready to retire.

:( Still feel bad how adamant I am about all this though.

Let's see.. other stuff...

School.. I'm doing great, but not good enough. Carrying a B+ right now and it's just not enough to make me proud of myself. Papa and Steve freaked out with being proud of me.. that made me feel good. :) But I'm still not where I need to be. I want super uber Dean's List. I want 16hrs a semester. I want this over with so I can get to the big game. I can handle one, maybe two more classes like this at once. And with accelerated courses like I'm taking right now, my max is realistically 3 first half, 3 second half. At 3 credits a class, that's 18. I have this whole thing worked out. I want to be done by the end of next year.

The only thing standing in my way is money.

Have some AMAZING women in my class. So supportive; I suspect I'll be friends with a couple of them for a long long time. Special girls. We started a study group and they're absolutely amazing. More on that later.

Yes official. 100% now. No more bullshit. Even tho the bullshit didn't bother me, it's over now. It's cemented. I'm happier than I've been in a long long time. Not a stranger to the munchkin anymore, and not shitting myself scared of that world anymore. We took it almost as slow as possible, and so far I think we've done everything just right. I'm nervous about any further integration into that world, though. I never have any idea where I'll be year to year. And neither of them need more grief. But for right now, as I've been saying, I am happy. Think the one year mark hits any day now. Adoring and devoted are the two emotions I lose myself in with this one. Protective being somewhere in there pretty often. And devoted didn't really nail in until June when I told Rosie.

Speaking of which, nigga really needs to wake up and unlock the side door... just talked to Rose and he's out with Jen. >:( Willing to like her but get off my fella you fuckin whore. On my period and not in the mood for cordial behavior tonight. Was actually about to go out to Dante's and play with some good friends. But not now. Makes me hate her for fuckin up my plans, and combine that with day Three of period, I will be nothing but hostile. And probably cry as soon as I close my car door to leave.

Want mine. Right now. :( Wake up and love on me please..

No one else

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 08:25:15 GMT

No one else gets to me like that. A perfectly pleasant night ends in the all-too-familiar stream of sobs at that same stoplight headed east. Fuckin Christ.. Not every time, but enough. I realized tonight I can't even count all the dozens of times I've been siting there waiting to tear down 70, in agony. And always him.

This scene will never change. These feelings will never go away. He will never give an inch, I will always want a mile. Incompatible. Completely. Too little too late, too much too soon. We will probably never have a balance and honestly I don't know how we maintained a life together for so long, being as chaotically misaligned as we are. (And not in the opposites attract way .. I'm talking compreHENSIVE dysfunction.)

Ten fucking minutes. And suddenly he says something and it's stabbed into my consciousness that our bed is not ours anymore. Now it's just the mattress he fucks his teenager on.

I hope whatever he has with her/them is worth all the crying I did on the drive home tonight. But I know it isn't. That's what makes me feel ill.

Seems to always hit the fan in the last 5 minutes lately.

Whatever. I tried. I just wanted some papa sleep. All these nightmares.. and all his troubles too. A few hours would have made all the difference in the world.

But instead..this shit. And for no reason.

Honestly, it's alright. He's just my one soft spot. I got in my car, smashed the door shut as hard and as loud and angry as I could (that always makes me feel better..), and screamed exactly what I'm thinking right now.

I'll go back to my world now of not having to live like this. I may not be loved, but I have never once had to beg a kiss. OR A NAP.

^^^ And in the middle of typing that paragraph, my phone just went off. HPP is up to do laundry!! :)

I had more to say, but now I think I'm just going to go lay in someone's arms that wants me there before I even ask.

The bus to beelzebub

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:52:32 GMT

I'm sitting in Columbus National Airport right now, wondering why they need a PGA Pro Golf Store and a Bath&Body Works in an airport. Fuckin yuppies..

So... it's back to the Eastern Seaboard.. Been 5 years since I packed my car and came back to St. Louis. Been 5 years and 17 minutes since I came home and found Trav doing coke naked in my bed. ...Needless to say, that was it for me.

Schoooool starts on the 25th. I have never been more excited for anything except this very trip I am midway to destination on right now. I can't wait to start. I can't think about anything else.

Work has calmed down again. But it won't last .. never does.. I'm just happy to not the fuck be there for almost two weeks. I have completely checked out. I'm glad. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to .. but it didn't take too much coercing. I can't even make myself open Outlook right now. Which is saying a lot.

Sucks that Leyla comes home from the Apple the day I get there... that could've been some mad debauchery action. But maybe NYC isn't ready for the two of us at the same time..

KD. Amazed. Happy. Enamored. This one is good stuff and gets better every day. It's nice to never doubt that someone you like feels precisely the same way about you. That's something (through either my own insecurity or not), that I haven't felt in a long time. And it's nice. Zero complaints. Together *together* now? Yes I think so but we never discuss it and that's the way I prefer. Not ready for that discussion yet. Things are fine just like they are; the obvious heavily veiled in the peripherals.. Like a pink elephant playing a tambourine in the room that no one talks about. Eventually if things continue down this road I will have to stop living in a world where the little guy doesn't exist. (Which has been mutually constructed that way for a myriad of good solid reasons..) I'm horrified of this day but I've been talking to every single and step parent I know for advice and I think I have a much better handle on some dos and don'ts. (All of which I was pleased to find I already knew from instinct.) We'll see what happens. I am treated right, and deeply cared for, and healthy, and happy. And so are they. And how dare I ask for more than that?

I really really want coffee right now but the line over there is SO not worth it. I had the most patient and tolerant security guard this morning. I forgot to take my laptop out of the bag, and didn't ziplock my liquids in the right size bag, or by themselves. Just my usual brand of not paying attention and missing details.

Rosie. Dying without him. Hope he calls to hang out soon..

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Coolest thing I've done all week = on me and Steve's running love note on the fridge, I put the chorus to Never Gonna Give You Up. He came in my room last night and said with a sad face and a defeated sigh .. "You ... you RICKROLLD me!" I laughed for hours and hours.

Good stuff.

Life is good right now.

If only I could get Mom on track. Some nightmares going on with her but I'll get upset if I get into that right now. I'll work on her and be better equipped to do so once I unbridle on this vacation and then come home to smooth out the hangnails..

Less than an hour now till my next plane... gonna run.

Love.

please make it stop.

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 19:13:35 GMT

He's seeing someone else. He told me this morning at work. I sat at my desk and sobbed for an hour. Didn't even have the energy to get up and close my door.

I want to die right now. Sure I'm happy in my current situation, but I'm not loved. I miss being loved and loving right back.

But I also missed a lot of important things I have now, when I was loved.

Will I ever have both at the same time?

Who cares..

Whoever she is, I hate her and I hope she dies and she had better be good to him. Ultimately I just want him to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted.

But I wish it could have been with me.

somewhere behind me

Thu, 29 May 2008 01:56:11 GMT

I always admired her. So slight of frame but so strong. Sometimes after we'd make love, she'd hold me to her. She made it impossible to discern where I end and she began. But somewhere beyond that, something bigger than both of us, was always on the horizon. (At the time I called it Heaven.) It's still a quest I opt to take every now and again.

Sometimes I was sure she would sear through her eyelashes. The green in her eyes would go silver. She used to stab me with ice if she was unhappy. But only if I deserved it. She'll make an excellent mother someday.

Heat from her eyes, ice on my skin. Both of us had feral tempers. A weak point on my behalf and an unfixable trait on hers.

I adore women with black hair. She was good at being pretty. To me.

She was completely unafraid to walk hand-in-hand. Diamonds had nothing on the tip of her tongue. Our heartbeats used to synch within 3 minutes of laying down anywhere that had grass. I still see her around when I make it out West to the Pier every now and then. She's fun. I'm glad life crossed us for a little while.

Miss Miry

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 01:15:04 GMT

I apologize for assaulting your inbox when you have never even met me. My name is ****** *****. If you would like to know more before you read on, I have already granted you full access to my private profile. You'll just need to accept my friend request.

I hope that in writing you, I'm not creating any additional grief. To do so would be the opposite of my intention. I wish only the best for you and your family. I apologize if writing this has any kind of a negative effect on you.

I am a good friend of Mandie's and I'm compelled to thank you for creating such an amazing human being. She was one of the few forces in my life that could reverse any mood I was in into a positive one. I ache for her physical presence daily, and you are in my thoughts constantly.

I wanted very badly to talk to you at the service, but having lost my father to a tragedy last year, I know and understand the fragility of one's mindset in such a time (at least in comparison to my own), and did not wish to subject you to my own choas and grief over your daughter on such a delicate day. Even just walking up to you to shake your hand would have been too much. But from across the room, I sent you and your family every ounce of positive energy I had inside me. (Which was regrettably little that day.) But I thought of you. As I said, I think of you every day.

The night I met her, one of my roommates at the time, shoved his girlfriend through a glass storm door. After getting the call from her, I came home and grabbed her. I hauled her away to a little club called 609 on Delmar, where I could think of a battle plan. We had to figure out where he was and get him arrested, we needed to change the locks, move her things, and find her somewhere to stay for the night until we could arrange for permanent accomodations. I confided these things to Gary, who is also a good friend of mine. He listened patiently and told me to give him a minute. He returned with a stiff drink, and a Mandie. I had seen her around over a number of years, but we had never drifted into one another on a conversational basis.

She didn't even introduce herself to me. She leaned over the table and said "You two can stay at my place as long as you need. I don't have much room, but you are welcome there. I live in Webster. You won't have to pay rent, and I can figure out a place for you to store your things. I have a ton of food and video games and you will be safe there. No one knows where I live anymore. I'll go find a Wal-mart and have keys made for you right now."

....I was stunned. Stunned. She had never met me before, had certainly never met my roommate, and just walked briskly up to me offering full access to her home. Her. home. I was absolutely stunned. Are people even like this anymore?? I remember thinking that over and over again as I listened to everything she had to say. And true to her word, she took us in that night. Fortunately it wasn't necessary for any longer than that, but the fact that she had zero hesitation in offering comprehensive sactuary to two people she had never met, floored me. We were friends forever from that moment on.

I have to admit that I am excessively cautious of people. I would probably never just offer my key to a stranger. But Mandie did. She put a trust in me that meant more to me than I could ever put into words, and I was so grateful to her. I feel I was never able to reciprocate the magnitude of this while she was living. How could I?? It is still one of the most selfless acts of kindness anyone has ever extended me, PARTICULARLY when they didn't know me. I never forgot this, and I will never forget her.

I have hundreds more amazing stories I could tell you, but I'll leave it at that one. Mandie, to me, was always surrounded by a benevolent white light everywhere she went. I know she had issues with other people, but when she and I were together, it was never anything but happiness and comfort and fun. I never saw her as anything but an angel. She really caused me to re-evaluate my innate mistrust of other people. And what headway I made, little though it was, I accredit to her.

Mandie was an amazing woman. And one of my favorite souls I've ever had the stone cold honor of befriending. I learned a lot from her. I believe that souls re-enter the atmosphere at some point, and I await eagerly the day she drifts back into my life. But for now, I feel her absence deeply, and yet somehow not at all. I still reach for the phone to call her some days, and only draw my hand back when I remember. Those are the worst.

I cared deeply for your daughter, and although you've never met me, I want you to know that your daughter lives on in me. And she will forever. Even before she was gone, I had it. She was someone I could count on for anything, anytime. And by proxy, I was the same to her. There is not a *thing* I wouldn't have done for that girl. I would have walked through a mile of fire if she had told me it would make her smile. I cannot say that about too many people I don't share blood with. But what she did for me that night was so special to me that she earned a special place in my heart, and nothing she had ever asked of me would have been met with a "no". And throughout our friendship, it never was.

She was so special to me, and I miss her so much. So much. I can't even bear to imagine how it must be for you. All I can hope for is that MAYBE. something in this letter made you smile. That is the last grace I can ever extend to her. And once again, although you and I are limited by introduction, I want you to know that my devotion to her extends completely to you and your family as well. There is not a thing I wouldn't do. And please don't ever hesitate to ask. Once again, your answer will never be no.

I have to say it again. Thank you for creating one of my most favorite people on the planet. I miss her. I will miss her every single day for the rest of my time. And I hope she comes my way again some day in the future.

Have a good day. I love you.

~Jennifer

Time for a change.

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 00:46:31 GMT

Alice in Chains was like, 20x better than I could have hoped for. Holy fucking shit they were awesome. I LOVE the new guy. Didn't think I would be anything but overly critical and irritated but I was WRONG.

Daft Punk and Colorado were INCREDIBLE. The only off thing was *****. Different person. Haven't heard from her since that day. I wrote her tonight.

I love my cat. He's amazing. I imagined him and one day he appeared. He's perfect.

Work is wrecking me.

I am grateful for the fact that my car works beautifully. That is something I think about every single day.

I really love her. I'm going to miss what we had.

I'm done for now. Losing her is too much to write about right now. Maybe ever.

fuck it.

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 21:50:10 GMT

no more hiatus. they never mean what they say. i'm done.

back on the market, but can never be bought.

see you ladies later.

You can fix her if you really want to.

Mon, 28 May 2007 15:52:00 GMT

The PG version of this is up on myspace, but Jesus FUCK. I almost feel the need to address this with ******* in real life, but the amount of NOWHERE that it would go would be staggering. That statement was fucking ABLAZE with bullshit. Get at least TWO years in under your belt, and THEN you can sit there and inform me of situational statuses.

The more I sat there and thought about it, the angrier I became. But not at him. Never at him. He's clueless. And telling him how clueless he is would be as productive as pissing up a rope. So I'll just shelve it.

You don't know the things I know. And you never will. They'll more likely than not die with me because the other person that shared them is fucking dead. Dead. There is no more that person. Gone.

I'm completely devoid of giving a shit. I don't CARE about reaching out to improve her sad anymore. I don't care. It isn't my job. I have happy places to be. I have loves that aren't comprehensively despondent to word and touch. I would rather dance and drink and be merry than get my skull dashed in. Wouldn't you?

Her stares and words and hugs are empty and blank. I see the flickers, but they are instantly murdered by the new. That's why it's impossible to hold a substantial conversation. We know the same truth, and we know exactly where it has been buried. But even if she handed me a shovel, I would hand it back. A bad friend is a bad friend, and I'm not interested in you anymore. In any capacity.

But all this notwithstanding, I DID give his request one final shot, and I got shut the fuck down. And I could have written it down step by step before I did it and been dead. on. So if there was no officiality to what I was already feeling, we now have a benchmark. I have closed the book on every attempt I have felt like making. There is no more drive towards that girl.

I chased and tried and spoke and cried but I'm tired now, and I don't care. I am happy, and my happiness ISN'T dictated by how calculated I have to be to keep disapproving stares out of my life. I welcome them, and then maul them.

I mean this with all of my heart, baby. I am done with you. And I really don't care if you're sad. I was sad. And you were nowhere to be found until after it was all over. I'm not saying you were *never* there for me, just not there when the shit REALLY hit the fan. Absent. And you knew that and felt ashamed, so you stayed that way. Shit! You even warned me two years before that you do these things. So I conisder my SELF the one to blame.

My standard of friendship is very high. Very high. I give hard and I take hard. Forever. If you can't survive or give a beating every once in a while, you should stay the fuck out of my inner circle.

Don't mistake this for contempt; it's just vacancy. These rooms are now for someone else. I still love you with all of my heart, but your frowns are not my mission to repair anymore.

I'm in a wind tunnel

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 18:01:16 GMT

How am I ever going to get that house ready to sell by June? The looming everpresence in that house is killing all three of us. And it ate Benji. I can't even go near that house without my heart melting into my stomach. To sleep there and see all the work that needs to be done is like swallowing battery acid from entrance to exit. My mother misses me. I miss her. But I hate going into that house so much. All of my strength to get things rolling deteriorates and I can barely do anything but bottle the grief and the hopelessness. When I talk, I yell. So I don't say much when I'm there.

This is tearing me down. I have to get in gear. And I don't know how. Everything I've tried has set me farther back. More thinking to do on this. More.

I need to figure out a second job. I want out of this city. There is more for me than this. I want something else condusive to the practice of law but on the other hand, I want something fun and amazing and unrelated to my career. The trouble is that my career is all I give a shit about. The search begins. I'm ready to distract myself with more work. Too much is going awry that I can't fix.

I am also trying to assess my options for law school. Looks like I'll need to play some catchup first. I really pissed everything away back in '02.

But I'll get it all back. And then some.

Then there is him. The nights aren't as bad as I thought they'd be but jesus. I have no idea what the other end of that situation looks like. I tried absolutely everything. We are not compatible. Breaking up and moving out was the best decision we've made in months (in the interest of preserving our friendship). But I'm so lonely for him. My sex drive has dropped away. I have almost nothing unless I think about him. Tried a few ideas, can't even bring myself to dial the numbers. Only want him. And can't feel anything else right now.

We were together Friday night and the night was just amazing. He was almost exactly like he was when I met him. I remembered how and why I flipped so hard and so quickly for him. I haven't been able to hold that Rosie in over a year. I was able to *touch* my Rosie. He was there. Back in the body that I've fallen asleep to every single night for however long it's been. For so long, it was like that man vacated and left this sad angry bored shell behind. We haven't gotten along, and we haven't been stable. But Friday night, some of the life in him was present. And I flipped for him all over again. He felt good. He felt right. I just know that he isn't. He would only be truly happy with me if I changed. And I can't.

And the hurt over THAT is really pronounced because there isn't one thing I would change about him. Not a thing. I just want him to exist happily with me while not pushing his own wishes on my behavior. Those wishes are not welcome. I feel that they are not warranted. We are strong and healthy in every single way that I consider important. (This is all my take.)

Anyway. As it presently stands, even though I ache for my baby, he had to go. I couldn't have tolerated another day with him in that apartment. He was making me furious. And vice versa. It was so painful and so awkward and I absolutely started to fake hate him. My home wasn't the way I wanted it, things I love were still buried deep in closets in boxes, everything was an emotional goddamn mess. No love for that situation. In those last 3 weeks, I hated it when he wasn't around, but I had full on contempt for him when he was. Just because of the way he'd ghost around the apartment. Completely miserable and unreachable. He had to go. That was murdering both of us.

I am much happier just living with Erin. Anything I want to put up or do (decor-wise in this instance, but this is a comprehensive statement about her. that woman is my high.) is met with encouragement and positive regard instead of disinterest and adversity. That was the thing I most came to resent about him before he left. Things that made me happy not only irritated him, but seemed to repell him. I know that isn't true, but I was immersed in it up until last weekend.

And now we're amazing. No bullshit, no bickering, no negative, no sad. I wish living with him at the Saum had been like this. I miss him every single day. I'm not fucking randomites or familiars, not trolling, not really interested in anyone else. This is not post-separation depression. I just don't want anyone else touching my body. I don't know when this will change, but for now, it is staid.

It is going to be so hard for me when he finds someone else... As happy as I'll be that he'll be happy, I'm guessing that THAT will be when I begin to drift away from him. It will be unbelieveably difficult for me to relinquish him to another woman. But I want him to find someone better for him. Apparently I am not the missing piece. Which is fine. But even the first time he tells me he slept with someone else, I will probably have to fade away from him for a while. Even thinking about it is choking me up. I haven't been through these feelings before. Never had to. Never cared.

I guess all I can do is enjoy our situation right now. The calm before the quiet storm, I assume. Because I do believe that there will come a day very soon when it will simply be too painful for me to be around him. I will have to let him go. And I am not ready. I am not goddamn ready. No one will ever take as good a care of him as I do. And I would WRECK any cunt that hurt him or did him wrong. These are things I cannot even process right now, but I will inevitably have to deal with.

What hurts the most is that when he is finally happy, I think I may never get to see it. I believe that it will truly murder me to see him with someone else. I hope I reach a higher level of adulthood before this happens. Because it disgusts me that I am in so much dread of this event. I should be completely excited for him to find this thing that he is looking for. And I am, but it is overridden with jealous anxiety.

Blah blah blah.

Regardless, I am in love with my home. We have set up a library in the living room, and there is NO TELEVISION. My room is huge and empty and Erin just redid hers. Amazing. Simply amazing. Today I will grab more books from mom's.

Anyway, must scoot. Late for Easter lunch. Crazy Xians.

I'll kick you apart.

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 23:52:49 GMT

I'll kick you apart. OOh.

LUNCH WITH THE SENIOR PARTNER. YEAH.

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 23:22:42 GMT

After months and months and months and months of scraping, searching, papercuts, interviews, rejection letters, pawning stuff for gas money, and feeling trapped in a cesspool of complete inertia....

I wrote a letter Thursday afternoon. One letter. And sent it with my resume.

Six hours later, I got the phone call.

"We want you. Sight unseen. May I take you out to lunch tomorrow?"

"I'd be honored."

"Do you like Thai?"

"Hot."

And that was that. HANDED an internship. Dozens of others passed up. Based on the strength of one letter. Murdered myself for an entire year. And got nowhere. Nowhere. At all.

And one letter has changed it all.

Do you think that rocks?

It gets better.

Four hours after THAT...the other Senior Partner calls me from a different chapter:

"*** called me and told me about your lunch this afternoon. I'd like to offer you a full time position at our firm, 401k, full benefits. You can start next Monday."

And what does Jenna do. She plays it cool....like she does..

"Give me the weekend to think about it. I'll call you by noon on Monday."

So I'm thinking about it. There *are* a few serious cons to this job, but if I can train myself to live with some circumstances that I hate for a little while, the experience I'll gain in the time I'm here will more than compensate me later.

And then in a number of months, no more St. Louis. And a fucking incredible job that I love in some other Metropolis that I can thrive in, get bored with, and move on. The contacts I am going to make at this job are going to be incredible. I'll be able to go back to school, to perfect things. I'll have a possible home in every major U.S. city. Russia was mentioned as well.

Sky = Limit.

I think I'm going to do it. From here, the only way is up.

This is my time, my time to shine.

This is why you need to back off sometimes.

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 15:38:13 GMT

Don't push me for information when I tell you to give me my space. I will always answer your questions, but you will respect the time I need in order to give you the information. Period.

Yelling at me will never get you anywhere. I will go for the throat. I will laugh at you when I know you're legitimately upset. I will hang up on you. I will turn and close the door while you're in mid sentence. I will go out of my way to disrespect you in a manner I feel will give you a clear idea of how disrespected I feel.

Don't press me. I will become a different person. And you will never get an apology for it later.

You need to learn that you can trust me. You need to get it through your head that I love you. You need to understand that we are together, not apart. Not everything has to be Jenna vs. Rosie. It can be Jenna and Rosie VS. _?_ .

I'm not up to no good behind your back. I'm not being mysterious. Please. The things I'm mysterious about, are things you're coincidingly completely in the dark about. Any secrets I do have, I do not dangle in front of your face. You simply don't know them. "Being mysterious" to me, equals drama. And I don't go that route. If I'm hiding something, it's fucking hidden. Not anything that will create an argument between the two of us.

So give me a little more credit than "Mystery"..

I never press you when you tell me you aren't going to say something. And it doesn't matter if it's about a headliner or the situation we have right now. It's the same shit. I might prod you once or twice out of fun, but then I let it drop. I respect your privacy and I respect your wish to be silent. In most cases, I do not even ask you questions.

What it sounds like, is that you need to do what I did for you back in Februrary, and write me out a list of questions that I will answer, bar none, open and honestly.

Whatever will get us to a better place.

But you know where the lines are drawn with me. That was one of them.

If you love me, we are going to be fine.

Never said it was Sunshine..

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 02:09:33 GMT

So. Mo and I are over as lovers. Which is okay; we're both excessively focused in opposite directions right now. Complete and total opposite directions. She is ready to settle. (?) And even if she isn't, that is what she has gotten herself into. I'm glad she's liberated enough to even be making mistakes now. (Although I hope it doesn't turn out that way for her.) She has come a long long way in her heart and mind since I met her.

Me, I'm not settling. But I'm thinking about changing things for a while. However long "a long time" might be, I have no idea, but regardless, even "settling" for me, means nomadicizing somewhere else. I'm focusing my energy into finding a job, my family, my kitten, and Rose.

Things will be okay. If I can manage to not fuck them up.

So relevant. It needs to be here.

Wed, 10 May 2006 15:22:57 GMT

These are excerpts from a thread made about a year ago on STLR. Someone bumped the thread and I read it thoroughly. A lot of things I said are holding a massacre of meaning to me now.

1.

Ntheogen wrote:
I'm going to get blasted for this post. If you are sensitive, stop reading now. Seriously, if you are going to cry or yell after reading this, go away and seek positive affirmation from a Barney song.

Why does everyone automatically congratulate anyone for getting pregnant (unplanned), getting married, or having a baby? There seems to be significant societal pressure to act like these are always good things, when in reality, they usually make people miserable. It's even considered rude to suggest to someone that maybe they shouldn't.

I haven't known a single person in years who got pregnant or married where I agreed with their decision, or where it seemed later like it worked out for the best. But of course, irrationality is at it's peak in these situations, so you can't try to explain to them that they will regret it after it is too late. Or even worse, with children, there is no regret, because most people are incapable of feeling regret over such a "precious gift from God," but meanwhile it makes their life miserable, their family miserable, and ultimately their kid miserable. They don't realize how much of a negative impact it has on their life, and instead complain about how everything else has gone wrong and slowly grow more and more bitter until they die.

I don't fucking get it. Why are deceitful lies, to ourselves and others, better than the truth?! Why do we lie to friends when we know that they are delusional? What the fuck is wrong with people?

I also want to express my complete respect for every girl I know on here who has gotten an abortion or given her child up for adoption because she knew it was a bad time to have a child. I know some of you have regrets, but you had the courage to do the right thing for yourself, your family, and your future family.

-David

I responded:

I congratulate when I KNOW it's warranted. I generally don't see those things as a reason to shit your pants with happiness. (Okay, on the inside, I NEVER see children, marriage, etc. as a positive thing. I CAN NOT help it.) When someone I only lukewarm know tells me they're knocked up, my first question is "happy or sad?" Union on paper seems SO FUCKING WHACK to me. The STATE doesn't get to say to me, "Oh, okay, I now put stock and validity in the time you spend with the one you love. Here is your slip of paper and new insurance rates and BRAND NEW LIFE. Don't fuck it up."

And as far as religious reasons go, if you need to undergo a ceremony under the eyes and ears of the Supreme Being/s to unite and officialize your union, fine. I still can't comprehend that need, AND I used to be very religious and active in the Christian faith. Even back then, could never quite skip through my head the REASON or the SENSE it's supposed to make. In my head, if you truly love someone, why take an extra step that does nothing but bring the GOVERNMENT into your relationship once it dissipates?

My parents are so cute. This December is their 30th wedding anniversary, and if they had their way, it would be their 80th. They're so fucking in love and even more so every day. I've never seen them have a fight or yell at each other, and until dad got too weak to go up the stairs every night to go to bed, every night they'd stay up reading in bed and talking. Then they'd both wake up at 4am, 2 hours before they had to be anywhere, and talk more. I have EVERY REASON to believe that marriage is an institution that doesn't HAVE to fail, but growing up, I also noticed that I was about the ONLY kid who has nothing but love and reverence for my parents. And a lot of kids I know were MISERABLE. Still are.

My mother was also my father's second marriage.

Now you take it to another example, very recent. My sister is up in Grand Rapids, 10 HOURS AWAY FROM ME AND MELISSA. On Friday, she signed her life away in a courthouse to this dude she says she's in love with. He has a 6 year old daughter. She ADMITTED to me once that she had actually fallen in love with the DAUGHTER and didn't want to leave him after he committed this UNFORGIVABLE atrocity, because she didn't feel the severity of his actions warranted a result of losing his child. (i.e. what little custody he DID have, was because SHE was in a relationship with him, taking care of his kid better that EITHER biological parent ever did.) And she knew that if she left him and came down here with US, he would NEVER be able to swing all the responsibility by himself, and would ultimately lose his child. AND, (I think this was another of his battle tactics to buy himself a ready-made mom for his kid), a doctor, somewhere, told her she has endometryosis (sp?), and needs to hurry up and have kids NOW if she ever plans to. What did this do? It put her in battle mode to have FUCKING KIDS RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW. Somehow this makes sense to these two when she works at a coffee shop, and HE, um, come to think of it, I don't remember what he does, but it's enough so that they were living in a SHIT MOTEL in Gd Rpds for the first month they got there. Dodging METH HEADS, GUNFIGHTS, and their car getting jacked with by hungry crackheads. How the FUCK are you justifying a baby?? This is MY BLOOD?? You don't have a baby to meet a deadline!! Or did I miss a memo??

So what do you do when you have to have children IMMEDIATELY?

Um, apparently you marry the dude you're with.

Of course, now they have an apartment, but JESUS CHRIST?? AND I'M WORRIED!! What if he knocks her up?? What then? Hospital bills, extra babies, utter poverty, lawyers, inevitable divorce and then a custody battle? And does he really even love her? I guess all the bullshit I don't agree with could recede a little bit if I just knew he loved her. But I thouroughly don't believe it. At this point, and I've never been given reason to believe differently. Never. He's done nothing but make her cry in my presence. And since she has this DAMAGING fucking sense of altruism, it may fuck her FOR EVER.

And there isn't a god damn thing I can do about it. Can someone explain this mentality to me?????? GOD how I hope they prove me wrong. I WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY FOREVER. But what are the odds.

In short, David, "god" bless you. I can't wait for the situation you have with your son to conform to the way you think it should be. You're a great parental figure and one of the few people who haven't made my heart sink in disappointment when you metioned you have a child.

Actually, it gave me a little hope.

2.

Drowse wrote:
In short, David, "god" bless you. I can't wait for the situation you have with your son to conform to the way you think it should be. You're a great parental figure and one of the few people who haven't made my heart sink in disappointment when you metioned you have a child.

Actually, it gave me a little hope.

Thank you, but I not a model parent, and I'm not even a good example of a good parent. If you want to give someone on here props as a parent, look at someone like KenD, who pours every ounce of his energy and love and care into raising his son, with the difficulty of being a single father and struggling after having to close his record store. His son is his first priority in every sense in his life, both by conviction and feeling. THAT is someone who deserves to be congratulated and respected. I am not a good parent. I hope to have a good influence on Phoenix's life, but I am not fulltime father material (I always knew I wasn't), and I am not someone to look up to as worthy of any praise at all in this department. I am very selfish, and I don't even want to change that. Family is not a natural priority in my emotional life, and it's not something where you can just flip a switch and change your personality. I can change how I act for short periods of time for Phoenix's sake, but I can't change how I feel or who I am, and I am not a parent who places my child first in my life. To the extent that I've tried to do that, it has only caused tremendous depression because it's not something I derive any sense of fulfillment from, unlike most people who seem to naturally become that way when they have a child. My emotional sense and needs have never been family centric, and I can't even be there for him if I don't take care of my needs. So don't praise me for this. There are others that are far more deserving. I don't want to take credit for something that I don't deserve, and in this case, I don't deserve it.

-David

3.

I responded:
I WILL give you praise in this department, whether you feel deserving or not. You and I are wired pretty much the same in the parent area. My body has sustained two pregnancies in my life, and at NO POINT was I ever happy or ready or excited about the idea. I didn't make it into third trimester on either one, and THANK GOD. ](And if by freak penis occurence it ever happens again and I am still in this frame of mind, go get the vaccuum.)I am not ready. And I will always do whatever I want. I will have sex with whoever I want whenever I want and YES, if the consequences of my actions yield something I do NOT want, I will do whatever I can to remedy the situation. (And I am a hard core psycho condom/dental dam/ total protection advocate. NOTHING goes in me without a sheath.) I've never had an abortion, but if I had to, you'd better believe I would travel far and wide to get one. If one day they become wholly illegal, I will FIND a way to not be pregnant. No one dictates what the fuck I do with my body. I give two shits about the laws they make.

Now, that having been said, when I was pregnant before, an abortion was ONLY not pursued because I was 20..I had NO $850 for the procedure. I got so depressed within myself b/c A) I don't like or want kids B) I had no intention of telling the culprit and KNOW how damaging it is for a child to have a staved or distant or nonexistent relationship with their parents. C) If you can't afford the abortion, you CAN NOT afford the baby. Plain and simple.

I sank so deep into this sadness that my appetite went byebye 100% and for 10 days, I was able to ingest NOTHING but water. and eventually, the nature of my actions took care of things for me.

Am I horrified now that I did this? Nope. I'd be a lot worse off if I had had that baby. I would have LOVED and PROTECTED and CHERISHED MY BABY, had I actually carried to term. But my life and hers would be in the shitter now. My life would have ended. And guess what? I'm just that selfish. I want my life for mySELF right now, not for anyone else. And the person who did it is still a friend of mine, and still has no idea. Nor will he ever. I endured that ENTIRE ORDEAL by myself. And I'll do it again if I have to.

My point is simply, you LOVE THAT CHILD. You aren't passive in your involvment in his life. And regardless of your own idea of a great parent, there are several different models. Since i can DIG where you're coming from with your take on your interest (or lack thereof) in parenthood, it makes it more IMPRESSIVE to me that you're able to be such a good dad. I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. I don't know if I could be half the man you've been about it if I were in your flipped situation,

That was all I was saying.

4.
gomez wrote:

People are just lazy these days and always want the easy way out...divorce, abortion, adoption... the lack of self-accountability has gone out the window. everyone wants to blame someone/thing for their grief. People who accept that responsibility should receive a congratulations... they deserve it. they bucked up when they fucked up (not meaning to be brash, but putting across a point.) and even thought the conditions may not be the desirable ones they've decided in THEIR best interest that they need to follow through.

follow through...another lost concept of our generation.

Drowse wrote:

I will always do whatever I want. I will have sex with whoever I want whenever I want and YES, if the consequences of my actions yield something I do NOT want, I will do whatever I can to remedy the situation.

When "following through" harms more people than it benefits, you'd better believe it isn't the course of action that I'm going to take. There is no biological mandate to GET married, to HAVE that baby, or whatever.

To say that I'm dodging my responsibility by aborting a baby, or not marrying the father (gaaaaaaahhhh), is ridiculous.

In many cases, yes, it can be laziness. But why don't you consider the fact that what you call the "easy" route is actually not the easy route at all? Do you think it's a snap decision for most women to have a fetus ripped out of their body? MOST OF THE TIME, IT ISN'T. Males in particular (although I'm not attacking), who don't agree with abortion that wasn't from rape or incest, seem to SKIP OVER that entire thought process that a woman goes through when she's faced with an unwanted or inconvenient pregnancy. (That's right, I said "inconvenient.")

And as far as divorce goes, RIGHT ON. I was almost married once, and to be honest with you, my faith in humanity is so dredged to shit that I had drawn up a prenup. Yes, my partner in crime, my love, my number one, even in my most healthy relationship so far, never did I have implicit trust in the other person. Never.

Obviously, I changed my mind. I jumped in my car and drove 1000 miles away to the Eastern Seaboard and stayed there and had the time of my life. I came back to St Louis and met different people and am now having more in my life than EVER EVER before. I could never have had an EXISTENCE if I had gotten married. To compare my life 3 years ago to what it is today, is shit and certain death versus thorough and appreciated EXISTENCE.

Had I gotten married, you'd also better believe it would have ended in divorce. I don't do ANYTHING I don't want to do. And the minute things become boring or unexciting, I remove the situation or the people from my life. Because everything I do is for ME. I'm selfish, and I'm a prick, and this is why marriage and children is not and probably never will be for me. It's this fundamentalist Christian overtone that seems to have taken over everyone's better senses. "Seeing it through to the end" does not MEAN staying married to someone who fucks everything that moves extramartially, or someone who HITS YOU when they feel you deserve it, or ABUSES your children. "Seeing it through to the end" means taking the best course of action for self-preservation and the preservation of your children. If that means a divorce, or an all-out beatdown on someone, or an abortion, then go for it.

When it comes right down to it, you guys do what you want, and I'll do what I want. And at this juncture in my life, I exclusively fuck girls. I don't have to worry about de babies. On the sporadic occasion I have sex with a guy, should pregnancy ensue, THERE WILL BE NO BABY. This is one decision I can't say I would toil over. I'm lucky enough to live by a blue state where they still haven't cracked out abortions and choice and womens rights. Pregnant = vaccuum. I won't even go over the laundry list of reasons as to why I refuse to have a child.

Marriage will also probably never happen. And if it does, and it starts to irreparably suck, D-I-V-O-R-C-E. No question.

OH BUT WAIT, I FORGOT!! THE CONSTITUTION IS IN MOTION TO BE AMENDED SO THAT I CAN NEVER GET "LEGALLY" MARRIED ANYWAY.

So guess what?

You guys can take your laws and your legislation that you live and die by, and put all that stock in, and seriously, shove it the fuck up your ass. I don't live by your laws, because apparently they don't want to govern people like me.

In the SO UNLIKELY event that I will meet one person I want to exclusively spend my life with, there will STILL be no "official" or "legal" arrangement. It will be a discussion that we both have together wherein we reach the agreement. Maybe we'll throw a big rave as a reception or something. ( ) But as far as I'm concerned, this country can take its "marital priveledges" (sp?)and choke on them. Even if gays are granted the right to have a "legally recogized union", I don't want it. Die. The state will never issue me a piece of paper telling me that "Now it counts!"

So, before you adopt that browbeating Catholic-undertoned attitude, take into account the harrowing decision making process that most people go through to GET to the conclusion that divorce and/or abortion is the best course of action for them to take. And in more cases than not, the people are THRILLED with the more positive direction their lives took once they overcame the task of choosing what they wanted to do. Just because someone else (like you or I) doesn't agree with it, doesn't mean shit. All we see is the extrinsic. We have NO IDEA how that person got to where they are.

And honestly, why are so many people so worried about all the divorces? Just ENJOY how perfect YOUR married life is and let everyone else be as miserable or as happy as they like. The most it will inconvenience you is you might have to hear a bunch of your friends whining about their kids and relationships.

Seriously, if you've made the decisions you feel have been right for you, WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT I DO? According to that logic, the stains are on MY soul, not yours.

LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE.

5.

I wrote:
<=======pro death.

anything that clears up the GOD DAMN FREEWAYS.

Pay. Attention.

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 17:01:47 GMT

The Chemical Brothers
The State We're In

I've been workin' baby for too long now
Just wanna get next to you boy
I've been searchin' baby, a way to tell you how
Gotta get through to you boy

Never said it was sunshine but you took it all of the time
Never said it was sunshine but you took it all of the time
All of the time, all of the time, all of the time
You took it all of the time

There's no escaping now
Let me show you how
What it feels to be true

I've been workin' baby for too long now
Just wanna get next to you boy
I've been searchin' baby, a way to tell you how
Gotta get through to you boy

Never said it was sunshine but you took it all of the time
Never said it was sunshine but you took it all of the time
All of the time, all of the time, all of the time
You took it all of the time

There's no escaping now
Let me show you how
What it feels to be true

There's no escaping now
Let me show you how
What it feels to be true

I've been workin' baby for too long now
I've been searchin' baby, a way to tell you how

I can deliver on everything but showing you real. I'm not sure I know what's real anymore. I just know what makes me happy and what doesn't.

Papas and Plan Bs

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 18:34:02 GMT

Okay. So it wouldn't have really changed anything. My mind has been changing for months now. The discerning factor in what I want to do broke out a few weeks ago. I honor my promises. And I honor the woman I love.

But I decided months ago that if she doesn't want what we wanted a year ago anymore, I will see how the cards fall for me in other areas. I never anticipated going away with anyone but myself. Unless it was her.

::The car broke down in the middle of the Las Vegas desert. We threw the keys in the window and never looked back...::

"I will be with other people, and I will live all around the world for the rest of my life. I even love someone else right now, but I will always belong to her. No one can have me like she does. I may share my life and body and bed and soul with others, but down at the core, there is only her."

^^^This is beginning to subside. I'm turning it off b/c it's burning into my retinas and making it hard to see other things.

And I'm sad that she changed her mind.

However, I have ideas now that I wasn't really lending credence to before this happened. And still I have to feel out the situation in that area. I don't know if I am still wanted after the tenure has passed. I'm not ready to talk about it. But I have made one decision.

If I am wanted, I will stay. As long as until the end is supposed to be.

If I am not wanted, I will start my next journey alone.

Regardless of which outcome it is, I will be fine. But I really really want to stay as happy as I am right now.

For as long as I can.

But like I said, I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I'm still at the point where I will be so so sad if I weren't to get the answer that I want. I need to further distance myself from caring so passionately before the subject is even remotely mentioned. I need to be in a place where I will truly be ambivalent about the answer. Right now all I want is to stay. Wherever that takes me. And I want it so bad b/c I know in my heart it will be somewhere that is better for me to be.

(Does that make sense to anyone but me?) (No, but it doesn't have to.)

And if I give it enough time, I won't care this much.

Then I can't be sad.

Like if it were to happen today, I would absolutely crumple. The finality of what I might eventually have to deal with causes me complete unrest right now. I can't let go yet, and I don't know if I'll truly be ready if the time comes. It will probably just be another case of my extremely successful but totally forced indifference. I reach a certain level of anguish, and that's it. It never gets worse. I just ignore it.

As for the accident we had the other night, I am so unbelieveably chill, it's insane. I can hardly believe. I had absolutely no tension over this. It happened, I took care of it. No crying, no freaking out, no terror. Just mellow.

The answer is pretty simple. I have a good man. This is a subject that one never has to deal with when sustaining a relationship with a woman. (Being as how a woman cannot knock you up.)

But it's whatever.

Whatever happens, happens. Whatever the outcome, we deal with it.

Yep.

I knew you'd leave.

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 18:07:05 GMT

And I knew it would be now.

I cried for an entire day. But now I'm okay. No one stays. I have a lapse every three or four years when I forget that, and then I come back to remember.

All of you = mirages.

And I don't care who I'm with, or if I'm alone.

But I can't stay here.