Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in d_r_o_w_s_e's LiveJournal:

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Monday, October 26th, 2009
6:09 pm	my plight abbreviated His Dad is dying. Went from mystery pneumonia to oh he's final stage cancer off you go into pain management.. He's looking to me for comfort, and I'm not sure how much I can provide. I hate his family. I've never met them. Just two me tIe five sisters. I don't want to meet them. Fuck ALL of them. Where were view when he needed them this summer?? When he was faced with losing his son to her, and view all know how dangerous she is.. Who showed up at the hearings? Joann did. To sit with Satan. I dread having to be in the same room w those people. I don't care that they're dying or hurting. Fuck all of them. Even the one that appears to be on our side. Treacherous cunts. All me them. Couldn't be bothered when I'd reached out. I feel nothing but contempt. All view offered us was abandonment and criticism. But somehow I need to mask this. For him. Whether I marry him or not. Those creatures are not my family. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
8:12 pm	Up up up up up up I tried a thousand ways to figure out why I feel the way I feel. I tried a thousand more to try and talk myself out of the conclusion I kept coming to. But after all this time, I feel what I feel and the conclusion is the same. And I realized it when I realized not just that I can still have all the things I want *despite* that conclusion, but the conclusion has become a *part* of all the things I want. So I thought about what he said, and I played it in my mind over and over again. I listened to it play in my head at night as I'd fall asleep. I dwelled on it in class, I talked to Mom. I even talked to Dad. I want to be his wife. We chose our rings.. nothing expensive, but so special. We have given the little one the final say, and he is still thinking about it. But we wear the rings, and they feel like a hug every time I glance down at our hands. He's wonderful and this custody crisis has brought us even closer together than ever before, and I was surprised that was possible. I'm so happy. Amidst all this fucking misery and this bloodbath of a custody battle. I am so fucking happy. And I'm excited. If baby gives us his blessing, I want to do it in the summer before law school. My bachelor's is about 18 months away. I'm taking that subsequent summer off so I can prepare for my studies, and that is when I'd like to do everything. He's gung ho behind me on however I want to arrange things. If we can sever her legal and physical custody (and I'm praying to gods I don't even believe in that we can do it in Round One next month), we can go anywhere we want in the world without that trash can psychopath cocking up my family ever again. Because that's what they are now. They are my family. She wasn't woman enough to have them, so here I am. And I am light years more the woman for this job. I'll happily take what she pissed all over and tried to break. :-) Wish us luck. Hearing is June 16th... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
8:57 pm	I love getting rickroll'd SO! Straight A+s, accelerated courses, my Associate's in Applied Science of Legal Studies in December, graduating with international honors. Right now I think I have a 3.8. (Embarrassing.. it should be a 4.0) I have four classes, M - TH, 6 - 10p. I am doing fantastic. This schedule doesn't change for the rest of the year, except for a couple of breaks. I'm thrilled with how school is going. I'm really good at this stuff. Will start my Bachelor's next year, prolly @ Webster, and hopefully be done wit that one in 18 months. THENNNNNN ... Law School. 3 years there, then I'll have earned my juris doctorate. Then I take the Bar, and POOF! Me an attorney. :-) With luck on my side, before my 34th birthday. Lol if I could just land a job I love. And find an apartment I love before May 31st. Right around the corner, and time is running short. Another Fun Fact. :-( I am probably going to need knee surgery in the next few weeks. I've been training for a marathon this year, and I just finally shoved my luck over the cliff. I blew out the cartiliage behind the knee and now I can't take three steps forward, even in a low-impact jog, without feeling tears up and down the back of my kneecap. When I walk, it sounds like Rice Krispies are trapped inside my leg. The pain, while I feel like I have no place to complain in comparison to some friends I have who have had body part replacements from cancer, or friends who are back from Iraq with 2/3ds of the limbs they left home with, the pain is unreal. I am not used to joint pain or discomfort of any kind. A sports injury like this is a first for me. I have been very careful & lucky in the past to escape my rigorous activities unscathed. But I guess it culminated. And I can barely get around on this thing now. Doctor tells me I can't run until I've been 6months pain free... ack. I am trying to stay positive, but am so crestfallen. Running is my love. It's my escape from everything. And I couldn't do it right now to even defy advice. I got 3 steps forward in Tower Grove a few weeks ago, and my knee buckled and sent me sprawling. It was horrible. It has hurt for a while, but not when I'm running, only when I'm stationary. Going to suck... it's my right leg, so that probably impairs driving for a while. Recovery is prolly 6-8 weeks if i want to be smart about it. I may have to be bedridden & on a machine for weeks, how am i going to handle that? god i'm going to lose my mind. I'm also full-blown moving in 5 weeks, which could double suck bc if i don't have a place to stay by the 31st, I may have to move my stuff and stay with someone till I find something. Howm'I supposed to find a job & an apartment if I can't drive myself and get around? lol lol lol what a wreck. but i need to do it now. i don't know if they're thinking partial or total replacement, but fuck. anything to let me run again. and i need to hurry. in a way, i'm fortunate that i'm not working right now and still have a few months left on COBRA. We'll see.... I'm not afraid to get cut on. I'm just superscared to be immobile for any amount of time. i'm not good at sitting still. at all. And I'd BETTER not miss a MINUTE of JUNE-AUGUST. I'll get postal QUICK if I can't play bc of this mess. Unless some ass gets added to this, I may just be going against my hardlined principle and moving in with Ken for a couple months. Lol this summer is going to be interesting. I can't even fathom living with anyone else at this point, and at this stage, I'll be in a sort of step-parent position for the first time ever. (EW EW EW EW EW) but okay. I'll do my best. I have more to say about that, but out of battery and no outlets in sight. Manamana. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
2:32 pm	lol I finally admit... I have Seasonal Affective Disorder So I'm alright today.. it's some hours later and I've finally had some sleep. Had a dream about him. We walk around a crazy museum and talked for hours. And smiled a lot. That was nice. I woke up when my alarm sounded, and turned it off to go back and be with him a while. We had a lovely visit, and we are both truly happy now. We love each other and in the dream, found a way to balance that without this evil hateful silence rift exclusionary thing he has put in place here in real life. But this dream felt like we both reached beyond the constraints that are inevitable when our eyes are open, and we were just two dear friends. We sat together, the dredges of all the things we've been through just a part of our solidity. It was just there, not looming. The friendship killed all the bad, and we existed and laughed and played catch in the sun. I can't remember most of what we talked about, and I remember still not wanting to see or know her, but I had my rockstar back, and knew I was never going to lose him again. He told me in this dream that he is getting married, and was so glowing and excited about it. And I beamed for him. Truly. No jealousy at all. Was just thrilled he found what he'd been looking for. And he asked questions and listened to how healthy and happy and truly wonderful my life is with mine. It really was joyous. We literally overcame the dark and got to the place where only he and I will ever know. And if I ever have it again, it will always only exist for a few hours at a time before we go our separate ways into our lives again. But in this wonderful dream, I had the sunshine of knowing in my heart that we would always come out and play when the other one came around to knock. After waking up, I feel good. I'm hateful that I will probably only know that feeling in that dream, but it's still overshadowed by the fact that I got a taste of what it would be like to not miss him every day anymore. Even if I only got to see him once a year till the end of time. I'll cling to that as best I can when I get to missing him, I guess. If he loved me now, maybe if he ever really loved me, this would not be happening. But now at least I have that wonderful dream that he did, and that I didn't have to hurt every day anymore when there are no more traces of that wonderful person in my life. Think I really am closing his chapter now. Goodbye, my love. Good journey. (Comment on this)
1:43 am	I'm so sad today.. Jesus fuckin Christ why can't I cheer up?! Must be this heinous clitteasing weather. Must be the never-ending ineptitude of my politics "teacher" when I am assaulted with her pisspoorly constructed take-home exams. Must be my "B" in Legal Research last semester. I know I'm drowning in an ulcerated stomachache over Gramma having tumors everywhere, but that kind of sad I can't even process right now. Maybe that I'm BORED and am so fucking ready to go back to work? Might just be that I'm only truly happy from June - August every year when I live in this section of the country. I'm prolly worried about moving again in 6 weeks; I get like this every time over a move, and my destination house is nowhere near ready.. Add to that, a late period. And I'm all out of bananas. Will my mom be okay? Is that fucking psychopath trashbag going to gun down my love and his son this week? Or will she just have the courtesy to off herself? (I doubt it... life is never that awesome.) I miss my Dad. One day I will be living in a world where I don't have any more grandparents. GAAAAAG that is miserable. I want chocolate chip ice cream but i can never handle all that sugar. I don't feel well. I miss my buddy. He's making me sad right now too. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Monday, February 2nd, 2009
1:50 am	Just pick a Depeche Mode song It's warm there. It's one of the coldest houses I've ever subjected myself to, but it's warm there. It took a long long time for me to peel away the past 4 years of distraction, guilt and apprehension, but I can see things for what they've become and I love him and it's okay. I love him. And he loves me too. It hasn't always been this way, but this is how it is now. I think he's Superman. I break into tiny pieces when he's unhappy over something I can't fix. I trust him now. I'm happy here; happier than I've ever been with someone before. And as happy as I have been with a precious few in the past, that is saying a lot. The kisses are on tap, the minds are open, we barely see one another and yet we manage to be completely inseparable. He has figured out a way to put me to sleep at night when the troubles or rampant thoughts won't let me go. I have learned how to tame his impatience when it gets the best of him. I'm beginning to know his heart, his breathing, his nature. And bit by tiny bit, his busy, brilliant mind. We can't be in a 3foot radius of the other without touching. The kisses go on for days, the conversation for nights. I can't get enough and I don't want to. Even when we're wrapped so tightly together that there isn't breathing room, I want to be closer. It's never enough, but that is remedied by the fact that I can have all I want when it's in front of me. He brings my mind to life, he soothes the worries, he cries with me when I'm sad. He makes things not hurt and shows me why it's all okay. He loves me. And he told me so. There is no need to repeat the words every day, or even often. But now, we know. The words are out there. By now it has been a couple of months ago, and only that once was it all said. But it's nice to know that things have grown into something even more beautiful than the beginning. I don't know what will happen, I can't predict the future. He may throw me completely off guard and wind up being the opposite of all the things I think he is. He may hurt me one day. He may disappoint me beyond repair. If/when that happens, I will be quite a mess for a while, but I will still be okay. Doubt there exists a person I couldn't recover from. But all that being said, the thought of being without him, regardless of circumstance surrounding, makes me very sad. It took me a while to work through myself. But I did and this is where I am. I really love this man. And I'm happy to be where I am, and I'm happy to be loved again. And loved well. It feels nice. But now, I'm signing off, it's about 2:30 and just got a text he had a bad dream. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 14th, 2008
2:37 am	Bye Bye Love Condusive to the never-changing parameters of our relationship, I have still continued to beg and chase, small capacity though the recent months have been. Vying for attention? I am not good at that anymore. I am severely out of practice in that area these days. Inching towards it again? Heh. No. If he was looking to get even for the duration of my silence, he succeeded. Hundreds of times in the past few months. He has morphed into everything I ever encouraged out of him. His output is everything I ever saw in him, and prayed to forces I don't even believe in, that it would come out for me. But no. And now, he has slipped into his abyss. I don't know if it's a punishment, or just an inevitability with him, but it's no longer something I am equipped to tolerate. In any capacity. I'm glad he seems happy, but he has forgotten some important ones along the way, and lost us in the process. All we wanted was some attention. That was usually all I ever wanted from him. It isn't a finality, but it is a rift that I have sincere doubts he will take the initiative to fix. I truly do not believe he cares. This is not how he behaves when something matters to him. So he's deleted in the cyber realm. I can't look at those pictures. I can't allow myself the ability to see them. I'm two clicks away from taking him out of the phone, but only bc the numbers are memorized. I just can't bear the name or the image right now. And I've been assaulted with it for months. I'm done. I am never going to fall out of love, but the wishes have been made clear. I will respect them. But I don't think he realizes the damage left in his wake. I doubt he cares anymore. He does have a very dark ability to separate himself from guilt with clean little slices. That's okay. I'll be fine regardless. But I am sure going to miss my friend. My papa bear. But I am completely finished begging him for .... anything. Ever again. Dare I say.... over it? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
2:36 am	Done. Tomorrow, it's over. I'm closing his door behind me and telling him how it is. I'm done. There is no fixing this. There is no turning back. Letter is signed and waiting to be handed over. I just wish this iron fist in my stomach would go away. I am not afraid. I am doing the right thing. For ONCE. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 6th, 2008
11:07 pm	show me show me show me how you I LOVE MY STEVE. But I'm really pulling into myself again. So tired of people home all the time. Knocks on my door.. people coming in when I don't answer. Stupid fucking boyness where I have to repeat myself 22 times, and then AGAIN later on. Just sick of people haunting my hallway. It isn't the noise.. noise is fine with me. It's just the PEOPLE around me all the time. So sick of it. Getting hostile. No one has done anything wrong.. this is just the way I am. I am so sick of roommates. Even when I was married I had to have separate bedrooms just to split the environment for myself. Had roommates steady since '05 and I am just so done. Starting to get aggressive and no one deserves that. I am so far out of water that it's getting dangerous. I want to live alone again so bad I can't see straight. So sick of the messes and the BOYS and the dumbassery.. Just want my cats and a sweet apartment with hardwood floors on a second level. I'm not hard to please. Just want my own hole so bad. Hate myself for being so bitchy but honestly, truly cannot help it. Even talked to Mom to see if I'm just being unreasonable. She says this is exactly the way I was when I popped out. Just never needed excessive human contact, and get aggravated when I'm presented with more than my limit comfortably allows. At least Mom knows these things about me. With school and everything I'm just tapped out on all these people around all the time. Never have been good at sharing my space, but I'm seeing the older I get, the more fuckin territorial I get over being left to come out of my cave when I want to, rather than when someone else wants attention. I'm not a hermit; I'm just the kind of person who likes to retire to empty when I'm ready to retire. :( Still feel bad how adamant I am about all this though. Let's see.. other stuff... School.. I'm doing great, but not good enough. Carrying a B+ right now and it's just not enough to make me proud of myself. Papa and Steve freaked out with being proud of me.. that made me feel good. :) But I'm still not where I need to be. I want super uber Dean's List. I want 16hrs a semester. I want this over with so I can get to the big game. I can handle one, maybe two more classes like this at once. And with accelerated courses like I'm taking right now, my max is realistically 3 first half, 3 second half. At 3 credits a class, that's 18. I have this whole thing worked out. I want to be done by the end of next year. The only thing standing in my way is money. Have some AMAZING women in my class. So supportive; I suspect I'll be friends with a couple of them for a long long time. Special girls. We started a study group and they're absolutely amazing. More on that later. Yes official. 100% now. No more bullshit. Even tho the bullshit didn't bother me, it's over now. It's cemented. I'm happier than I've been in a long long time. Not a stranger to the munchkin anymore, and not shitting myself scared of that world anymore. We took it almost as slow as possible, and so far I think we've done everything just right. I'm nervous about any further integration into that world, though. I never have any idea where I'll be year to year. And neither of them need more grief. But for right now, as I've been saying, I am happy. Think the one year mark hits any day now. Adoring and devoted are the two emotions I lose myself in with this one. Protective being somewhere in there pretty often. And devoted didn't really nail in until June when I told Rosie. Speaking of which, nigga really needs to wake up and unlock the side door... just talked to Rose and he's out with Jen. >:( Willing to like her but get off my fella you fuckin whore. On my period and not in the mood for cordial behavior tonight. Was actually about to go out to Dante's and play with some good friends. But not now. Makes me hate her for fuckin up my plans, and combine that with day Three of period, I will be nothing but hostile. And probably cry as soon as I close my car door to leave. Want mine. Right now. :( Wake up and love on me please.. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
2:41 am	No one else No one else gets to me like that. A perfectly pleasant night ends in the all-too-familiar stream of sobs at that same stoplight headed east. Fuckin Christ.. Not every time, but enough. I realized tonight I can't even count all the dozens of times I've been siting there waiting to tear down 70, in agony. And always him. This scene will never change. These feelings will never go away. He will never give an inch, I will always want a mile. Incompatible. Completely. Too little too late, too much too soon. We will probably never have a balance and honestly I don't know how we maintained a life together for so long, being as chaotically misaligned as we are. (And not in the opposites attract way .. I'm talking compreHENSIVE dysfunction.) Ten fucking minutes. And suddenly he says something and it's stabbed into my consciousness that our bed is not ours anymore. Now it's just the mattress he fucks his teenager on. I hope whatever he has with her/them is worth all the crying I did on the drive home tonight. But I know it isn't. That's what makes me feel ill. Seems to always hit the fan in the last 5 minutes lately. Whatever. I tried. I just wanted some papa sleep. All these nightmares.. and all his troubles too. A few hours would have made all the difference in the world. But instead..this shit. And for no reason. Honestly, it's alright. He's just my one soft spot. I got in my car, smashed the door shut as hard and as loud and angry as I could (that always makes me feel better..), and screamed exactly what I'm thinking right now. I'll go back to my world now of not having to live like this. I may not be loved, but I have never once had to beg a kiss. OR A NAP. ^^^ And in the middle of typing that paragraph, my phone just went off. HPP is up to do laundry!! :) I had more to say, but now I think I'm just going to go lay in someone's arms that wants me there before I even ask. Current Mood: insulted. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 8th, 2008
12:08 pm	The bus to beelzebub I'm sitting in Columbus National Airport right now, wondering why they need a PGA Pro Golf Store and a Bath&Body Works in an airport. Fuckin yuppies.. So... it's back to the Eastern Seaboard.. Been 5 years since I packed my car and came back to St. Louis. Been 5 years and 17 minutes since I came home and found Trav doing coke naked in my bed. ...Needless to say, that was it for me. Schoooool starts on the 25th. I have never been more excited for anything except this very trip I am midway to destination on right now. I can't wait to start. I can't think about anything else. Work has calmed down again. But it won't last .. never does.. I'm just happy to not the fuck be there for almost two weeks. I have completely checked out. I'm glad. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to .. but it didn't take too much coercing. I can't even make myself open Outlook right now. Which is saying a lot. Sucks that Leyla comes home from the Apple the day I get there... that could've been some mad debauchery action. But maybe NYC isn't ready for the two of us at the same time.. KD. Amazed. Happy. Enamored. This one is good stuff and gets better every day. It's nice to never doubt that someone you like feels precisely the same way about you. That's something (through either my own insecurity or not), that I haven't felt in a long time. And it's nice. Zero complaints. Together *together* now? Yes I think so but we never discuss it and that's the way I prefer. Not ready for that discussion yet. Things are fine just like they are; the obvious heavily veiled in the peripherals.. Like a pink elephant playing a tambourine in the room that no one talks about. Eventually if things continue down this road I will have to stop living in a world where the little guy doesn't exist. (Which has been mutually constructed that way for a myriad of good solid reasons..) I'm horrified of this day but I've been talking to every single and step parent I know for advice and I think I have a much better handle on some dos and don'ts. (All of which I was pleased to find I already knew from instinct.) We'll see what happens. I am treated right, and deeply cared for, and healthy, and happy. And so are they. And how dare I ask for more than that? I really really want coffee right now but the line over there is SO not worth it. I had the most patient and tolerant security guard this morning. I forgot to take my laptop out of the bag, and didn't ziplock my liquids in the right size bag, or by themselves. Just my usual brand of not paying attention and missing details. Rosie. Dying without him. Hope he calls to hang out soon.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Coolest thing I've done all week = on me and Steve's running love note on the fridge, I put the chorus to Never Gonna Give You Up. He came in my room last night and said with a sad face and a defeated sigh .. "You ... you RICKROLLD me!" I laughed for hours and hours. Good stuff. Life is good right now. If only I could get Mom on track. Some nightmares going on with her but I'll get upset if I get into that right now. I'll work on her and be better equipped to do so once I unbridle on this vacation and then come home to smooth out the hangnails.. Less than an hour now till my next plane... gonna run. Love. Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 11th, 2008
2:06 pm	please make it stop. He's seeing someone else. He told me this morning at work. I sat at my desk and sobbed for an hour. Didn't even have the energy to get up and close my door. I want to die right now. Sure I'm happy in my current situation, but I'm not loved. I miss being loved and loving right back. But I also missed a lot of important things I have now, when I was loved. Will I ever have both at the same time? Who cares.. Whoever she is, I hate her and I hope she dies and she had better be good to him. Ultimately I just want him to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted. But I wish it could have been with me. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 28th, 2008
8:38 pm	somewhere behind me I always admired her. So slight of frame but so strong. Sometimes after we'd make love, she'd hold me to her. She made it impossible to discern where I end and she began. But somewhere beyond that, something bigger than both of us, was always on the horizon. (At the time I called it Heaven.) It's still a quest I opt to take every now and again. Sometimes I was sure she would sear through her eyelashes. The green in her eyes would go silver. She used to stab me with ice if she was unhappy. But only if I deserved it. She'll make an excellent mother someday. Heat from her eyes, ice on my skin. Both of us had feral tempers. A weak point on my behalf and an unfixable trait on hers. I adore women with black hair. She was good at being pretty. To me. She was completely unafraid to walk hand-in-hand. Diamonds had nothing on the tip of her tongue. Our heartbeats used to synch within 3 minutes of laying down anywhere that had grass. I still see her around when I make it out West to the Pier every now and then. She's fun. I'm glad life crossed us for a little while. Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007
5:53 pm	I got five on it. Current mood: sated, but counting down.. I have my typical moving anxiety. I always get it bad. I'm only relocating about two miles down and one mile over, but it's still the end of the goddamn world. I was packed and ready to never look back 3 or 4 weeks ago. The only thing stopping me has been the availabilty date of the new place. Even my clothes have been packed. I have 9 or 10 interchangable outfits still out, and for this reason, a need to keep a close eye on my unmentionables. I'm still packed, I'm still not interested in looking back. Not saying that sentiment won't assault me once or twice in the coming week, but that's where things are. Sentiment never slows me down for long. It's better this way, really. It's okay for two people who don't want the same thing to be fixated in "recurring" or "impermanent", but they shouldn't live together. Especially not while in a relationship together. That's one thing I've known for years and tested it to the last limit of its truth in the past ten months. It will be a long long time until I live with a partner again. I enjoy my space too much to share these days. She's still my love. But she won't be happy the way I'm headed right now. It's all the usual things I hear about myself when things begin to crumble.. I'm absent, I work too much, I never slow down, I'm losing my mind (that one is my favorite. never seems to show up until the very end..), ... I know the entire drill by now. My behavior never changes, but the people do, and the problems don't. I figure like some kind of ethereal magnet, I'll wind up attracting a force that never says those things. Maybe one day I'll just be perfect. But I'm in no hurry for that. The only thing at a close second to Mom and Deej is school. Career and school and career and school. And of course, fun. I can't do shit with my life or the people I love without the fun. And I never want for misadventures. I have them every single day. And even more so at night. Good times. Things are good, they're fun, and they're progressing well. I need nothing further right now. I'm happy. And things are going to keep getting better and better. I'm not a bettin man, but I'll put five on it.. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 11th, 2007
8:14 pm	Miss Miry I apologize for assaulting your inbox when you have never even met me. My name is ****** *****. If you would like to know more before you read on, I have already granted you full access to my private profile. You'll just need to accept my friend request. I hope that in writing you, I'm not creating any additional grief. To do so would be the opposite of my intention. I wish only the best for you and your family. I apologize if writing this has any kind of a negative effect on you. I am a good friend of Mandie's and I'm compelled to thank you for creating such an amazing human being. She was one of the few forces in my life that could reverse any mood I was in into a positive one. I ache for her physical presence daily, and you are in my thoughts constantly. I wanted very badly to talk to you at the service, but having lost my father to a tragedy last year, I know and understand the fragility of one's mindset in such a time (at least in comparison to my own), and did not wish to subject you to my own choas and grief over your daughter on such a delicate day. Even just walking up to you to shake your hand would have been too much. But from across the room, I sent you and your family every ounce of positive energy I had inside me. (Which was regrettably little that day.) But I thought of you. As I said, I think of you every day. The night I met her, one of my roommates at the time, shoved his girlfriend through a glass storm door. After getting the call from her, I came home and grabbed her. I hauled her away to a little club called 609 on Delmar, where I could think of a battle plan. We had to figure out where he was and get him arrested, we needed to change the locks, move her things, and find her somewhere to stay for the night until we could arrange for permanent accomodations. I confided these things to Gary, who is also a good friend of mine. He listened patiently and told me to give him a minute. He returned with a stiff drink, and a Mandie. I had seen her around over a number of years, but we had never drifted into one another on a conversational basis. She didn't even introduce herself to me. She leaned over the table and said "You two can stay at my place as long as you need. I don't have much room, but you are welcome there. I live in Webster. You won't have to pay rent, and I can figure out a place for you to store your things. I have a ton of food and video games and you will be safe there. No one knows where I live anymore. I'll go find a Wal-mart and have keys made for you right now." ....I was stunned. Stunned. She had never met me before, had certainly never met my roommate, and just walked briskly up to me offering full access to her home. Her. home. I was absolutely stunned. Are people even like this anymore?? I remember thinking that over and over again as I listened to everything she had to say. And true to her word, she took us in that night. Fortunately it wasn't necessary for any longer than that, but the fact that she had zero hesitation in offering comprehensive sactuary to two people she had never met, floored me. We were friends forever from that moment on. I have to admit that I am excessively cautious of people. I would probably never just offer my key to a stranger. But Mandie did. She put a trust in me that meant more to me than I could ever put into words, and I was so grateful to her. I feel I was never able to reciprocate the magnitude of this while she was living. How could I?? It is still one of the most selfless acts of kindness anyone has ever extended me, PARTICULARLY when they didn't know me. I never forgot this, and I will never forget her. I have hundreds more amazing stories I could tell you, but I'll leave it at that one. Mandie, to me, was always surrounded by a benevolent white light everywhere she went. I know she had issues with other people, but when she and I were together, it was never anything but happiness and comfort and fun. I never saw her as anything but an angel. She really caused me to re-evaluate my innate mistrust of other people. And what headway I made, little though it was, I accredit to her. Mandie was an amazing woman. And one of my favorite souls I've ever had the stone cold honor of befriending. I learned a lot from her. I believe that souls re-enter the atmosphere at some point, and I await eagerly the day she drifts back into my life. But for now, I feel her absence deeply, and yet somehow not at all. I still reach for the phone to call her some days, and only draw my hand back when I remember. Those are the worst. I cared deeply for your daughter, and although you've never met me, I want you to know that your daughter lives on in me. And she will forever. Even before she was gone, I had it. She was someone I could count on for anything, anytime. And by proxy, I was the same to her. There is not a *thing* I wouldn't have done for that girl. I would have walked through a mile of fire if she had told me it would make her smile. I cannot say that about too many people I don't share blood with. But what she did for me that night was so special to me that she earned a special place in my heart, and nothing she had ever asked of me would have been met with a "no". And throughout our friendship, it never was. She was so special to me, and I miss her so much. So much. I can't even bear to imagine how it must be for you. All I can hope for is that MAYBE. something in this letter made you smile. That is the last grace I can ever extend to her. And once again, although you and I are limited by introduction, I want you to know that my devotion to her extends completely to you and your family as well. There is not a thing I wouldn't do. And please don't ever hesitate to ask. Once again, your answer will never be no. I have to say it again. Thank you for creating one of my most favorite people on the planet. I miss her. I will miss her every single day for the rest of my time. And I hope she comes my way again some day in the future. Have a good day. I love you. ~Jennifer (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 26th, 2007
6:56 pm	Time for a change. Alice in Chains was like, 20x better than I could have hoped for. Holy fucking shit they were awesome. I LOVE the new guy. Didn't think I would be anything but overly critical and irritated but I was WRONG. Daft Punk and Colorado were INCREDIBLE. The only off thing was *****. Different person. Haven't heard from her since that day. I wrote her tonight. I love my cat. He's amazing. I imagined him and one day he appeared. He's perfect. Work is wrecking me. I am grateful for the fact that my car works beautifully. That is something I think about every single day. I really love her. I'm going to miss what we had. I'm done for now. Losing her is too much to write about right now. Maybe ever. (Comment on this)
Friday, September 21st, 2007
5:51 pm	So. Tourette’s Guy is Dead. Current mood: what a bummer. I was going to paste the article, but the site is temporarily (I hope) down. A few weekends ago, Danny was killed from complications arising from a very serious car accident. Thank you, Danny. I cannot begin to count the hours and hours over my past years, of enjoyment I have had at your expense. I will certainly miss you, and I am hoping that 700 hours of unreleased you action winds up posthumously leaking onto the World Wide Web. In the meantime, his webmaster is releasing a full DVD of TG rockness that can be purchased (proceeds go to Danny's family), and he will also be placing the file online for free download. I think I shall buy the DVD. RIP Danny. I can think of one big fan you may run across in your post-existence.... (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 20th, 2007
3:10 pm	fuck it. no more hiatus. they never mean what they say. i'm done. back on the market, but can never be bought. see you ladies later. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 27th, 2007
5:53 pm	D A F T P U N K LIFETIME GOAL 0023137: Drop acid at a Daft Punk show (location not pertinent) and bask in the blue bathing embrace of glamtronic 909 spectacular. Preferably have one or more of my top 3 favorite persons present as well. Experience the parallel dimension in digital. (Aforementioned must be accomplished once to be removed from list, and carries allowance to bear repeating as dictated by requirement for specific person or city as deemed appropo by myself.) LIFETIME GOAL 000063: Climb a mountain. In clogs. The next six days of my life are going to be a vision paralelled by nothing ever before. I can't even project how much amazing this is going to be. The mere prospect of this journey leaves me incredulous. So I'm just going to go upstairs and pack. .This is my time. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
5:54 pm	Schizophrenic Trashbags like my neighbor. Current mood: finality. You know what? I tailor my existence to exclude ANYONE who is crazier than I am. I don't care about you if you're the kind of person who gets angry and shatters things after a 26 minute bellowing diatribe about whatthefuckever. I immediately don't give a shit about you if you have an untreated or poorly tended to mental illness. I don't want you. You slow me down and it isn't my job nor desire to fix you. Even if I see potential for a new stellar person in my life, if I have to work too hard to get you to that point, just fuck off. My attention is already trained in more worthwhile things. Like if I can find that next pair of Skecher crosstrainers in syphillis green. What I hate the MOST, in being inconvenienced. Adjacent to the front door of my home, across the hall, behind another door, sits 289 lbs of bird shit. My guess is that her uncle had regular sex with her from the age of 6 until about 11, and either no one believed her, or she LOVED it. I do know that her mother spent 10 years in prison. Regardless of her reasons, she screams at the top of her lungs 85% of the time. I don't even live with this cunt and yet from the day we moved in (January), she's in my front fucking room every day. (Vocally.) Screaming at her dashed-in boyfriend. (Who is a wonderful soul. Trapped in the throes of a mental lock. The prison of the broken and abused.) Three weeks ago, she split his head wide open with a glass bowl and caused permanent nerve damage in his right hand. I later learned that this wasn't even the first time. So FINALLY. He kicked her out, took her off the lease, filed a restraining order, and handed the last of her things to her before changing his locks. And I won't even try to tell you that the above things would have happened if it hadn't been for Erin and I grabbing on to him and giving him all the love and direction we have to give. We've both been through it before. This cat quickly became one of my favorite boys ever. He's absolutely delightful. He has a love of animals that surpasses that of anyone I've ever met. He cooks pancakes naked (per his admission, not my witness account), he leaves his milk in OUR fridge and then comes over every time he wants cereal. (I fucking LOVE LOVE LOVE that.) He gives Ashie Care Bears that are almost as big as she is. He cuddles SO well. We love him. He's thoughtful and cuddly and kind and empathetic and FUCKING SMART. SO FUCKING SMART. A fucking engineer. Aside from being a car enthusiast to the max. He's an auto mechanic and he'll watch Goodfellas six times in a row without getting bored. And he has a big comfy bed. Rockstar. He's amazing. I'm telling you this because I believe that he will be dead soon. [Hey, fun fact. Last Thursday, the brakes on his truck mysteriously went out, and he was in a car accident. Amazingly, he was not hurt (despite being in rush hour on I-40E at time in question), but try to tell me that someone as overzealous as he is with car maintenence would have up and missed that. I know the margin for error is there. I'm just saying you will never get me to lend credence to it.] ...... Why isn't she in jail for what she did the other night? Very simple. She has a vagina. And this world, (or at least the police force in St. Louis County), just isn't ready for that kind of a revelation. The pendulum swings both ways, though. It's just isn't socially "okay" for a man to come forth and get help. He will be riddled with a HUNDREDFOLD more obstacles to fixing his problem than a woman will. I'm not saying it's easy for anyone, but if you are a man in an abusive relationship, particularly a PHYSICALLY abusive relationship, you are just about shitty out of luck as far as the law being on your side to help correct your situation. Stuff like this are why women like me are going to law school. But I digress. My point is, that cellulited piece of fuck, after the FIRST FIVE DAYS OF PEACE AND HAPPINESS since I moved my first box into that building, has of course, re-emerged. With a vengance. To be clear about this, I am not writing this entry because I'm surprised. I knew this would happen. I hoped and planned and made preemptive strikes against it, but I knew it was likely to occurr. And last night, it did. My friend 180ed and as of last night, unless she had a Magnum to his face when he talked to me, squeaked out that they are back together and moving far away. After all that. Which, you know, what the fuck ever. This is why I could never do social work. This is the exact reason. When it hits this point, I stop giving a shit. I tried. WE tried to help him. We tried to show him the alternatives to living in terror of your partner. We failed. Moving on. If he wants to wind up in a ditch somewhere, honestly, I can't care. I don't have the emotional capacity to even RECOGNIZE what the full force of that would do to me. It will plateau at a certain point, and then it will taper off. I know myself. That's how I handle watching things that I consider to be gravely wrong unfold. The worst it does is put me in a HORRIBLE funk for about 4 days, and then I'm done. I forget it ever happened. The problem that I have now, is that this waste of space has been threatening me and MY family. My girlfriend. My liluns. I am actually GLAD at this point that I no longer have animals in my home. I REFUSE TO LIVE DIFFERENTLY THAN I WISH BECAUSE OF THE THREAT OF IMPENDING HARM FROM SOMEONE ELSE. It will not happen. I will not have death threats shouted at me through my front door. That is my home. That is my cave. I am not above or beyond any means of making it cease. You are INCONVENIENCING me. I am more important than you are. My family comes before you even have a right to breathe. Another. fucking. zero. A demon in physical form who exists for no purpose other than causing the comprehensive misery and befoulment of everything beautiful around them. I hope that everyone who reads this doesn't quite know what I'm talking about, but some of you do. Thoroughly. We have done nothing to this girl. Nothing. I won't deny that I wish her all the sadness and ill will in the world. But I have done NOTHING to make an enemy of her. She is just a fucking misfired circuit. Unfortunately, I don't see signs of self-injury in her behavior. I think it is limited exclusively to the torture of all others. Which makes me despise her all the more. At least I could take comfort in the fact that she cuts herself, or wallows in some abyss of self-loathing when she isn't ruining lives and creating ugly and misery. But alas.. And it makes me wonder why I don't have Mandie anymore, but this miserable piece of shit across the hall can't just fly over the edge and remove herself from the equation. That would rock. She annoys me. She INCONVENIENCES me. And honesty. If that tubby fuck blew her brains onto the wall right in front of me, I would yawn and go eat some Cheerios. I do not care. Wouldn't piss on her gums if her teeth were on fire. Do. not. care. So, in summation, if you are fucking crazy, stay the fuck away from me. I do not care how bad you hurt inside, or who did what to you to make you this way. I don't care if you were in 'Nam, or if you were raped with a nailbat by the ice cream man on your 4th birthday. If you haven't snapped back from the experience, then slide it on. I'm not going to put time or attention into you, your repair, or your inevitable violent behavior. Keep your psychosis for someone who WILL allow you to void your bowels on their kitchen table and eat it with a spoon. People like you, I only wish would quit breathing, because most of you can't be helped ANYWAY, and even if you could, it would take decades. All you do is create ugly. You aren't worth effort. You will not find the understanding and solace you seek within me. (lol, obviously.) I do not doff off death threats against my beloved. And I am fucking done. That cunt needs to get the fuck OUT of my building, and so does he. I have no interest in him, either, if this is the way he wants to live. Just get the fuck away from me. And stay away. My life doesn't have room for you and your problems. Now I have to go. There is a pair of shoes I really want. (Comment on this)